America, you’re embarrassing yourself. You kicked England to the curb years ago, remember – all this guffawing and floundering over her for the past month is just making you look like a douche!
In our lives we’ve all known that guy (or girl) that just can’t quite let go of an ex. You know, they have a massive break-up but then keep crawling back, or start re-singing the praises of someone they were – only months ago – saying was the seed of Satan. Well, America, for the past month you have sounded just like that weak-willed sap.
Ever since a bunch of Bean-town ‘revolutionaries’ tossed some crates of tea into Boston Harbor in 1773, you made it clear that you were done with England and her selfish attitude. With all of her unfair ‘taxes without representation’ she was an expensive date, and with her ‘Coercive Acts’ totally cramping your style, that hoity-toity bitch had it coming.
Remember, you were all like, “I’m done with your crap!”, and held a couple of Continental Congresses, and had a war, and she sent in her troops to shut you down, but Paul Revere got on his horse and rode through the night and you prevailed and were so much better off for so long.
But, oh, how things have changed. And not for the better. If Paul Revere were riding around shouting that the “English are coming” now, I can only imagine him saying it in a campy, excited schoolgirl kind of shriek. Instead of bearing arms and lighting torches and readying their horses, I can only imagine America blushing and squealing with a hand on each cheek, and going into a tizzy about what to wear.
She tried to get you back in the sixties by sending those mop-haired lads from Liverpool to woo you, and you looked like you would buckle, but you came through it and showed her you didn’t need her by sending some of your posse to the moon.
But as America’s role as a world power has faded of late, and all those other sexy, youthful power countries have started paying less attention, ol’ England rolled out her master move: waiting until you were totally desperate and then showing up wearing the one outfit you could never resist: a Royal Wedding.
And you bought it hook, line & sinker! You were showing TV specials about William and Kate on every channel possible, going back well into March. You sent more “correspondents” to let you know every time Kate changed her undies, than you sent to cover the truly world changing events in North Africa and the Middle East. And you oh-so-desperately watched your mail for the invitation to her big party.
I really felt like your floundering hit rock bottom though when NYC taxis started sporting giant Union Jacks with the message “Congratulations William & Catherine”. At the top of your capitalist strength, you never would have let that advertising space be wasted on such a frivolous and weak display of unrequited love. China must have sent a hilarious text message to India when he saw this final act of capitulation. You might as well have hired an Icelandic volcano to write “Take Me Back” in the sky over the whole country.
And even now that it’s the “morning after the night before”, you still seem giddy over the whole shindig. CNN ran a very long segment just about the hats worn by the wedding guests.
Really dude, it’s like that song by The Streets says: “I know you want to vibe with this girl, but don’t mug yourself”. I am sure you must have heard the song I’m talking about… it is by an English artist, after all.