Flying High Again

Dear Readers and Comrades-in-Arms;

When the revolution comes, I think I’ve identified which fascists will be first “against the wall”: the TSA.

For  those of you not cursed to travel frequently in the USA at this time,  the TSA are a quasi-governmental paramilitary organization whose mission  is to steal medium-sized cosmetic items, engage in uncomfortable  probing and body cavity searches, take naked pictures of passengers  through an x-ray machine, and generally make air travel as uncomfortable  as possible.

Violating your rights with a smile since 2001!

It’s  easy to see why jobs there are in such high demand, quite apart from  the fact that suckling at the government teat is increasingly popular  these days: Free cosmetics. A female TSA agent will probably never have  to purchase any form of soap or cosmetic for the remainder of their natural  lives. Nor will they ever be deprived of nail files, scissors, tweezers,  etc. That, of course, raises another ugly matter: with the confiscated  resources at their disposal, I expect TSA agents to be the most  well-groomed government employees on Earth. I ask you: When was the last  time you saw a hot chick TSA agent pulling you aside for a pat-down?  Exactly.

By  the way, why can we only have liquid containers that hold 3.4 ounces or  below? You’ll be pleased to know I’ve discovered the answer to that:  TSA agents find it highly inconvenient to take such small items home.  Anything below that limit means they’ll have to scrounge for shampoo more than once per week. It’s inefficient, damn it!

You  will say these are reasonable precautions. After all, I could slap the  flight attendant with my flip-flop, steal beer and escape via the  emergency slide. The horror! Worse still, I might spill hot coffee on  the pilot, thereby convincing him to comply with any command I might  make.  Box cutters – they’re even more dangerous. What if I used them to  OPEN A BOX of – gasp – unauthorized water bottles. Imagine the carnage  that might ensue from such a perilous lack of restrictions!

Once  you evaluate all the restricted items that are part of the TSA’s grand  Security Theater, the scenario they’re trying to guard against is  obvious:

During flight, man stands up and grabs flight attendant, brandishing a pair of blunt tweezers:
“Nobody  move. I am hijacking this aircraft in the name of the Hygiene  Liberation Front! If any of you resist, I shall pluck her remaining  eyebrows out!”

Flight attendant
”  Do what he says people! I can’t afford another trip to the salon! Do  you even realize what an eyebrow transplant COSTS these days?”

Man
“Now,  compliant passengers, observe this pair of scissors.  Unless the pilot  immediately takes this aircraft to the nearest Sephora, I will cut his  hair in the style of Justin Bieber!”

Passenger begins to stand up to confront man
“Not  so fast! Take one more step and I will spray you in the face with this  16 ounce bottle of saline solution, causing mild irritation to your  eyes!”

You  get the picture. Obviously the TSA are right to restrict such dangerous  contraband, after all.  The only thing they don’t potentially defend  against is a chap trying to light his underpants on fire. But I’m sure  they’ll come up with a restriction for that soon. Watch out for this in  your Fall TV programming: “Undies of Terror” A 5-part special  investigation brought to you by CNN. You heard it here first.

Clight