Flying High Again
Dear Readers and Comrades-in-Arms;
When the revolution comes, I think I’ve identified which fascists will be first “against the wall”: the TSA.
For those of you not cursed to travel frequently in the USA at this time, the TSA are a quasi-governmental paramilitary organization whose mission is to steal medium-sized cosmetic items, engage in uncomfortable probing and body cavity searches, take naked pictures of passengers through an x-ray machine, and generally make air travel as uncomfortable as possible.
It’s easy to see why jobs there are in such high demand, quite apart from the fact that suckling at the government teat is increasingly popular these days: Free cosmetics. A female TSA agent will probably never have to purchase any form of soap or cosmetic for the remainder of their natural lives. Nor will they ever be deprived of nail files, scissors, tweezers, etc. That, of course, raises another ugly matter: with the confiscated resources at their disposal, I expect TSA agents to be the most well-groomed government employees on Earth. I ask you: When was the last time you saw a hot chick TSA agent pulling you aside for a pat-down? Exactly.
By the way, why can we only have liquid containers that hold 3.4 ounces or below? You’ll be pleased to know I’ve discovered the answer to that: TSA agents find it highly inconvenient to take such small items home. Anything below that limit means they’ll have to scrounge for shampoo more than once per week. It’s inefficient, damn it!
You will say these are reasonable precautions. After all, I could slap the flight attendant with my flip-flop, steal beer and escape via the emergency slide. The horror! Worse still, I might spill hot coffee on the pilot, thereby convincing him to comply with any command I might make. Box cutters – they’re even more dangerous. What if I used them to OPEN A BOX of – gasp – unauthorized water bottles. Imagine the carnage that might ensue from such a perilous lack of restrictions!
Once you evaluate all the restricted items that are part of the TSA’s grand Security Theater, the scenario they’re trying to guard against is obvious:
During flight, man stands up and grabs flight attendant, brandishing a pair of blunt tweezers:
“Nobody move. I am hijacking this aircraft in the name of the Hygiene Liberation Front! If any of you resist, I shall pluck her remaining eyebrows out!”
” Do what he says people! I can’t afford another trip to the salon! Do you even realize what an eyebrow transplant COSTS these days?”
“Now, compliant passengers, observe this pair of scissors. Unless the pilot immediately takes this aircraft to the nearest Sephora, I will cut his hair in the style of Justin Bieber!”
Passenger begins to stand up to confront man
“Not so fast! Take one more step and I will spray you in the face with this 16 ounce bottle of saline solution, causing mild irritation to your eyes!”
You get the picture. Obviously the TSA are right to restrict such dangerous contraband, after all. The only thing they don’t potentially defend against is a chap trying to light his underpants on fire. But I’m sure they’ll come up with a restriction for that soon. Watch out for this in your Fall TV programming: “Undies of Terror” A 5-part special investigation brought to you by CNN. You heard it here first.