Crayola is not on their Pat Malone


Oh no, Clight opened the can on nomenclature – my favorite topic to dissent about.

Let me keep it brief by choosing only two offenders for today’s tirade: deodorant companies and gum companies.

Seriously, walk down the guys’ body spray aisle. Look around a bit.  And then riddle me this….? What the fuck does “Phoenix” smell like?

Will it make me smell like the middle of Arizona in summer? (Hopefully like a Scottsdale resort spa, not like the Diamondbacks dugout!) Or does it have something to do with Harry Potter?  Or perhaps you are suggesting I will rise from the ashes of body odor and be reborn smelling like everything a girl wants? (Knowing today’s marketers, I am willing to wager that the last one is not far from the truth.)

And how about if I choose to spray on some “Kilo”? Will this make me put on 2.2 pounds, or just leave me smelling like a sizeable brick of coke hidden under the deck of a boat in the Keys?

Choosing a new fragrance for your mouth is just as hard. Remember the days of two choices for gum? Aaaaah! Peppermint for a spicier bite, spearmint for the slightly sweeter tooth. Now I don’t mind the new choices (I happen to like a bit of raspberry mojito action) but can you guys please give us some logic with the names please?

Arctic chill? What – is it the preferred gum of the polar bear (specially designed to remove that tell-tale morning-after-mackerel stench)? And how about “Shiver Mint” – is hypothermia really a worthwhile price to pay for fresh breath?  Perhaps it’s for Hollywood airheads that want to tremble just like their chiahuahuas.

And “Midnight Cool”? Are we really making time-specific gums now? If so, where is the “11am: just get me through to lunch” and the   “2pm shouldn’t have had the garlic knots” varieties?

It goes on and on… “Winterfrost”: you have to chip the ice off your tongue in the morning before you can use it? “Solstice”: for the stinky-mouthed pagans? And my favorite for completely irrelevant naming… “Cobalt”: because what smells sexier than a miner’s breath?

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