The New Fall Season on CnITV

And so today it begins. Real TV makes it’s return. And I don’t mean “reality” TV, I mean “real TV”. As in the kind that networks put on when Nielsen is counting.

Jay Leno is starting a new 10pm show, all your favorite dramas are back, and Americans will rejoice to see Oprah back on screen, after another whole summer without a moral compass. (As a sidenote, it will be interesting to see if Obama’s approval shoots up and healthcare gets through once the other “Big O” lets everyone know how they should think about it.)

But back to my original thesis. What can we expect of the new Fall season?There are plenty of magazines stumbling over each other to tell you what is really coming up, so I thought I would take a leaf out of the “start of a sports season” playbook and put together a “fantasy line-up” of what a betting man might think will be gracing our screens.

1. Thanks to the success of Twilight, we’ll have more bloody vampires (pun intended):
– Izzy leaves Gray’s Anatomy to search for that patient she loved (that guy who dies in every show he’s in) who she believes didn’t really die, because he was a vampire all along. She follows his tracks to find out if he is alive, in a new spin-off series entitled “Izzy or Isn’t He?”.
– In “To Stake a Predator”, Dateline will attempt to engage bloodthirsty perverts through online chatrooms and lure them into a secret location under the cover of night. Unfortunately the show will never air, as the targets’ habit of turning into fog and slipping out a window just leaves Chris Hansen standing in a darkened room looking like an idiot in a garlic necklace, which he pulls off quite convincingly.

2. Networks will continue to try merging two perfectly good ideas into a terrible one:
– ABC will launch a new reality series in which 12 obese American men lose weight through a fitness boot camp and simultaneously try to woo a svelt young vixen. “The Fatchelorette” starts September 24.
– after Brett Michaels and Flava Flav fail yet again in their relationships with last seasons’ winners, VH1 will launch a new series about their blossoming bromance, entitled “Flava of Rock”.

3. After Bear Grylls gets bitten by a Taipan in the season opener, Spencer Pratt will guest host Discovery’s “Man vs Wild” – desperate for whatever airtime he can get. Producers will promptly change the location for the episode from the frozen tundra of Alaska, to a swim down a “piranha and anaconda infested” section of the Amazon. Despite the “gruesome and unforeseen” ending, the FCC will unanimously vote to count the show as “public service programming”. It will be the highest rated cable program of the year. MTV will promptly start negotiations for “The Simple Life: Extreme Edition”.

4. Game shows will be affected by the ongoing financial crisis: Regis Philbin will host a new weekday program – “Who Wants a Five Buck Note?” And the banker on Deal or No Deal will ask for a mid-episode Federal bailout when a lucky couch-repair-man from Iowa correctly chooses Case 21.

5. With the success of Leno’s new program, giving NBC four late night talk shows in a row (count ’em: Leno, Conan, Jimmy Fallon, Carson Daly), they will go to the well a few more times and fill the time from 2-6am with:
– “Holy Shit, You’re Still Not Tired? with Chris Kattan”
– “No More Coffee for You, with Will Arnett”
– “Just Take an Ambien Already!” hosted by Joey Fatone; and
– “Seriously, Dude, Don’t You Have to Work Tomorrow? with Tracey Morgan”.

I can hardly wait to turn on my TV again!

— Irish


One Response to “The New Fall Season on CnITV”

  1. The Fatchlorette actually sounds like a great idea, don’t be surprised if you idea is stolen, if I were you I’d pitch that!

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