Bad Moon Rising

I am constantly amazed by the ever-increasing speed of advances in modern technology. From artificial intelligence to nano-medicine, I am constantly astonished at what humans can achieve. And on Saturday night, I witnessed the latest triumph of man over the laws of physics.

Somehow, by some miracle, Californian scientists found a way to take one huge steaming pile of shit, and simultaneously spread it onto giant white screens across the world using only projected light waves. They codenamed this project “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”.

Seriously, I did not expect much from this cinematic blockbuster and I was still left underwhelmed. This is meant to be a dramatic romance and most of the people in the cinema were laughing. Even the teenage girls who it should appeal to. And not at the intentionally funny parts.

The acting in this film is more wooden than in “Team America: World Police”.

The dialogue is so mundane and stilted that it makes REAL teenagers sound positively articulate. (“You’re always warm, Jake. You’re like your own sun.”)

If you want a preview of the film, take an empty glass, place it on a table and stare into it for two hours. Your distorted reflection in the sides of the glass will closely mimic the special effects quality, and the vaccuous empty hole in the center is a perfect representation of the film’s plot.

The most interesting part of the film was when I found a piece of popcorn that looked exactly like Fozzie Bear from the Muppets.

This film should come with a Surgeon-General’s Warning on the poster. “May cause brain cells to melt out of your ears.” If you have a teenage child that wants to see this film, buy them some weed instead – the long term effects will be less and they may still have a chance at a bright future.

It would seem unfair to films that were “just very bad” to give this movie “no stars”. On the traditional scale, this film can only be described as a black hole. Don’t get sucked into it.


4 Responses to “Bad Moon Rising”

  1. cj murphy Says:

    here we have an acute case of ‘i am insanely jealous of edward and jacob’ ism….and ‘clearly have not read the books’ disease and a total ignorance to 99.9% of the female population who go weak at the knees for this…seriously guys you wont get readers bagging out something that people just cant get enough of…ride this bandwagon or else!

  2. clightnirish Says:

    Thanks for the advice CJ. If indeed this 99.9% comment can be ratified, we’d be happy to remove the post.

    As mentioned the vast majority of the young female audience in the cinema I was in were laughing hilariously at parts which I assume were meant to be serious… so I guess I just happened to walk into a cinema full of the 0.1% minority????

  3. Although I am part of the “99.9%” who love Twilight, Clight or Irish (unsure of which one…puts money on it being Irish) do have some fine points. And I think perhaps people will take this blog the wrong way.

    I agree that the script for this movie was interesting, to say the least. Being a modern day teen myself, I cannot think of anyone who would honestly say anything along the lines of “you are so warm…like your own sun”. For one, we are highly unlikely to put together a sentance as remotely corny as that. And also – it sounds like something more suitable to the script of rainman…and we all know (thanks to a true comedy) that he was a ritard.

    I also agree that this movie was oddly funny. For those of you who were under a rock for the past couple of years – Twilight started out as books, and as a reader of those books (granted not all of them, but for arguemenst sake i did actually read New Moon) I found it interesting that this movie was funny. I did not find the book remotely funny, and yes some will argue that the humour was added for cinematic appeal yada yada yada; but for a director to promise readers and avid fans that she will stay true to the books – this movie fails slightly. Having said that, I understand the need for a certain level of humour – movies are supposed to be entertaining…not increase the world’s depression levels. But there are far too many corny moments in this film that are not actually supposed to be funny…

    Scene: Bella & Edward running through the woods holding hands and wearing white. This scene was clearly meant to be symbolic: Bella will be a vampire and they will be together forever…then someone explain to me why almost every single person in the cinema laughed?

    Having said all of that, I do agree with CJ that bragging something that is so ridiculously popular isn’t going to go down well with potential readers. I disagree with CJ on her first two points though.

    I do not think that someone could actually be jealous of E or J…unless that person is Paris Hilton because god forbid her popularity levels plumit. Yes – every girl that reads the books or see’s the movies will be completely hooked by one of, if not both, of these characters. (and yes girls…they are just characters – so no…you don’t love R.Patz because he is the sweetest guy in the world – he just plays a character that is. If it were the case that character became reality – there would be no R.Patz due to the awful hand of Lord Voldemort, who would evidently be real…yes >> think about it.)

    But I do not think that the men of the world need worry or be jealous of either of them. These characters carry with them a ridiculous subtext that the level of perfection shown does truely exist. However on closer inspection I have come to the conclusion that I wouldn’t want either of the boys…Edward is completely selfish and doesn’t care for what Bella wants. His attempts to control her are unnecessary and watching someone sleep is straight up weird…not to mention the baggage he is carrying. And Jacob…he has absolutely no respect for Bella’s feelings and is too what I would consider selfish. Granted it would be pretty awesome to have someone around that will protect you on a whole new kind of level – but I will take fun and outgoing over brooding with a side of potential killer any day thanks.

    I also disagree that you have to read the books to truely understand the entirety of Twilight. Yes, there may be alot of occurences left out of the movies, but they explain everything that truely needs to be explained to an absolute T. And really – if there is something you still don’t understand I am sure you could ask any local teenage girl who will then give you a three hour run down of what happens….I am sure it won’t spoil the ending kid’s – it’s already pretty predictable.

    At the end of the day, I think the author of the above blog made his point pretty clear: he had no expectation to enjoy this movie…but was interested in the level of agreeance he got from the rest of the audience at it’s somewhat strange corny-ness.

    It’s a bit late to tell people not to get sucked into it guys – I think that’s a black hole that is already far too full.

    – Lil B

  4. clightnirish Says:

    Lil B,
    Insightful, but Irish is right. The movie was destined to be crap. I’m just sorry Irish had to go and see it for research purposes. I’m not sure about guys who actually like these movies, if you know what I mean, and I still fail to understand why chicks get so het up about legends of a 15th century Wallachian prince.

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