Take another little piece of my childhood, baby

Clightnirish have been forwarded disturbing news, by a source that wishes to remain anonymous.

Hollywood are doing a remake of The Karate Kid. There are so many things wrong with this. It would be difficult to list every reason here, but let’s highlight the most egregious ones:

1) Why? Karate Kid is a classic. It cannot be improved (except by the addition of Chuck Norris, which, like bacon, improves everything.)

2) It’s being produced by Will Smith, who cast his son as Daniel-san, except in this version he’s called “Dre”. What the hell is this supposed to be, a cross between NWA and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Jaden Smith is a no-talent little daddy’s boy, and this is a terrible case of nepotism.

Cobra Kan

Jackie Chan does not exist in this dojo, does he?

3) The plot for the new version is startlingly un-original. In this case, the child moves to China with his mother, falls in love with a girl, attracts the ire of a class bully, learns Kung Fu and presumably kicks ass and wins the chick. Come on Hollywood, if you’re going to take a huge, steaming dump on an extraordinarily popular classic, have the courtesy to change things up a bit more.

4) Jackie Chan stars as a Mr Miyagi rip-off. He’s not even Japanese! I guess to Will Smith, all Asians look the same. It’s horribly racist, and typical Hollywood ethno-centricism. Can Jackie Chan catch flies with his chopsticks? I doubt it. Does he own a fleet of classic American cars that require constant polishing? No. Jackie Chan does not exist in this dojo, does he? No, sensei.

5) Hollywood, you go too far. I mean, if this is what it takes to make money in Hollywood, let me pitch you my ideas, Will Smith. How about remaking The Godfather, with the Jonas Brothers as the Corleone family, set in Utah? Or Fatal Attraction, with Dakota Fanning in the Glenn Close role? Yes, this remake is that obscene.

I encourage all our regular blog readers to boycott this movie, which should deprive the studio of nearly $25. Either that, or we sick Cobra Kai on Columbia Pictures. No Mercy!



3 Responses to “Take another little piece of my childhood, baby”

  1. The trailer is even more cringe-worthy than I imagined. I can’t believe that ‘wax on, wax off’ has been replaced with ‘jacket on, jacket off’. While it is severely lacking in creativity, it’s a little disturbing that a grown man is asking a young boy to remove articles of clothing. That aside, I doff my cap to Jackie Chan’s capture of a fly with a fly swat. At least he admits he is no Mr Miyagi.

  2. cj murphy Says:

    i shun any movie with jackie chan…did u know that his name translates in asianese to Wan Kerr….god what will they do next…remake Grease with the kids from high school musical?

  3. clightnirish Says:

    Don’t go giving them ideas CJ!!

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