Health care reform: mom-style

So, health care reform passed. It’s going to be a reality. But sadly the real losers in this whole package have been ignored.

With everyone having affordable access to trained doctors, the mothers of the US will find a distinct lack of demand for their unique brand of motherly medicine, aka “mom-icine”.

Now, Chris Rock has riffed about his mother and her penchant for prescribing Robitussin for everything in an HBO special (YouTube it) but Mrs. Rock is not alone. In the 100 year wait for health reform mom-icine has filled the gap in many fields:

– emergency medicine: “quick, run it under cold water”; for extreme cases “put some ice on it”

– paediatrics: “awwww…. let me kiss that better”

– sports medicine: (Patient) “it hurts when I bend my elbow like this!” (Mom) “so don’t bend your elbow like that”

– preventative optometry: “if you sit so close to the TV your eyes will turn square”

– nutrition: “if you don’t eat your crusts, you won’t get a hairy chest!”

– treating hyperchondria: “shut up, or I’ll really give you something to cry about”

– cosmetic surgery: “if the wind changes, your face will stay like that”

– eating disorders: “there are starving kids in Ethiopia that would do anything for that cauliflower”

– neuroscience: “don’t even think about it – I know what you’re thinking, young man”

– chiropractics: (for a sore arm) “here, let me whack you in the other one, then you won’t be able to tell the difference”

– advanced diagnostics: “looks like someone has a boo-boo!”

Say what you will about years of study and hi-tech med school programs, but you just can’t teach this stuff. Let’s hope that the details of the Reform Bill allocate enough funding for moms to keep up their stock of band-aids, lollipops and Robitussin, and that mom-icine lives on to see another generation safely through this messed up world.

— Irish


One Response to “Health care reform: mom-style”

  1. i shall quote a very smart little lass from australia: if the tv was a dodecahedron would i get dodecahedron eyes?

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