Get me a wooden stake, already


I know that there has been much anticipation for my review of the third Twilight movie, which I believe may be called “Eclipse” (FYI, producers… naming it after a brand of gum doesn’t make it stink any less).

However, there will be no review. Because to review it I would have to see it. And to see it I would have to buy a ticket. And if I buy a ticket, I am only encouraging the mindless nitwits responsible for this cinematic tripe.

“The biggest movie in the world!” the ad already boasts, in the typical Don LaFontaine tone. (RIP Don! Now there is someone that should have been immortal!)

What a tragedy. This box office success probably means they’ll find a way to make a fourth Twilight. Perhaps that one can include a headless horseman to go with the vampires and werewolves?

Or maybe just a ‘tin man’? It makes sense – one guy already pretty much turns into a lion, and the other clearly has no brain. Just put that dopey girl in some ruby slippers and it might be a half-good movie. Watching the second installment certainly made me want to click my heels and magically go home.

So please, if you feel the desparate urge to see a “threequel” this weekend, go see Toy Story 3. You will laugh (…and not at the acting). You will cry (…and not at the painful writing) and you will hopefully have helped stem the tide of these God-awful vampire-pop abominations.

— Irish

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