Crack to Paris: “Quit ruining my rep, bitch!”

We don’t tend to get into the celebri-gossip on Clight’n’Irish, but when the famous narcotic Cocaine called us to offer an exclusive, we just had to take it.  While the press has been quick to seize on the latest Paris Hilton story, as usual, the real victim of this crime, Cocaine, goes forgotten.

It seems the once-chic nose candy is up-in-arms at the recent arrest of Paris Hilton for possession of itself. “That trampy slag is the last nose I’d ever want to go up,” he told us in an interview. “God only knows what types of STDs linger in those nostrils.”

Cocaine believes that Hilton staged the arrest simply to ride his coat-tails back into the pages of the Hollywood tabloids.  “This skanky, rich-bitch whore has been out of the news for so long, and now she tries to use MY fame to get back on the front page,” Cocaine continued. “She wouldn’t have even made the news on E! network if it was just booze again… drunk Paris stories are a dime a dozen… so she goes and gets herself arrested with a little bit of me in her handbag.”

Cocaine says this violates an agreement made with Hilton to keep away from him, because of the negative impact she was preciously having on other lucrative clientele.  When Hilton was first linked to the drug, Cocaine says sales dropped dramatically, with high profile athletes considering snorting blow to then be only one step removed from carrying a chihuahua dressed in a tutu.

“It’s not bad enough that I have the previously-constantly-wired financial industry collapse, and NFL players abandoning me for cough syrup,” he said, referring to the ‘Purple Drank’ craze. “Now I am once again slighted with a connection to this heinously diseased and broken excuse for a celebrity. I might as well let Nick Nolte back on the gear again.”

The case has sparked a legal turmoil in the State of California, with lawyers debating whether an inanimate narcotic drug can, in fact, file a restraining order against a person.  Experts expect this case to go to the Supreme Court before it is decided, but cite that Cocaine should be well represented, thanks to a “strong supporter base” amongst the legal fraternity.

— Irish


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