Weather Underground

What kind of job can you get if you do your work right less than half of the time, your mistakes have a significant impact on people’s lives, and you’re never taken to task for it?  If that’s your bent, here’s a suggestion: Weatherman. True, they like to be called “meteorologists” but that’s like lawyers wanting to be called “attorneys” and reporters “journalists;” it lends a patina of respectability to their sleazy industry.  When was the last time a weatherman predicted a meteor? And how many of them actually study meteors? I bet most have never even been on one! Frauds.

With the West Atlantic hurricane season in full swing, weathermen are wreaking havoc with the usual inaccurate forecasts. You’d think that even if they merely guessed at the weather, the law of averages would see them right 50% of the time. Alas, no; their predictions are correct less than 30% of the time (statistics provided by PFA Research Ltd.)   I wish mere incompetence were to blame. Many people assume this, thanks to the clever smokescreen that presents weathermen as loveable, bumbling idiots, to whom the station gives a job out of charity – like an incontinent great-uncle that everyone tolerates because he’s family.

Unfortunately,  there’s a far more sinister reason. Many have heard of the Weather Underground, a radical communist organization from the 1960s, dedicated to the overthrow of the capitalist system, etc., or as they were otherwise known: “Hippies for Che Guevarra.” Establishment historians assert that the movement disappeared in the early 1970’s.

However, current research points to a disturbingly different version of events. What if they simply went further “underground,” as their name implies? That’s what many have now come to believe: that the “Weather Underground” simply changed their name and became “Weathermen.”  After a series of unexplained disappearances and the quiet resignation of scores of leading weathermen for “personal reasons” in the 1970s, their takeover was complete. Was the disappearance of the traditional weatherman mustache in recent years just a fashion trend, or a secret assault on the freedom of constitutionally-protected facial hair? Circumstantial evidence abounds, but exploring the evolution of their symbolism gives the first concrete proof of this conspiracy.

Consider the Weather Underground’s original logo:

Weather Underground

Sticking it to "The Man" since the 1960s

There are two competing explanations for this symbol: One, that lightning would strike the “Peave and Love” hippies for their failure to overthrow “The Man,” and the second that lightning would strike gay people unless they wore black and red Che Guevarra T-Shirts on specific days (to which gay people, known for their sense of fashion, naturally objected.)

To anyone looking at the symbol now, it’s apparent what this is: the original weather forecast icon.

While we cannot claim to understand the full depth of this diabolical scheme, or all of its current effects, we have managed to decipher pieces of the modern code that they are using:

global warming

Accelerate Global Warming hoax

Death by Air

“Next airstrike at 3PM”, or alternatively, “Who cut the cheese?”

Dancing with the stars

“New battle order to be revealed during next episode of 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

patty hearst roof repair

“Patty Hearst needs her leaky roof fixed - volunteers contact ‘Control’”

R and R at George's

“Summer vacation - lull the oppressors into a false sense of security while enjoying punch and pie at George Soros’ secret ‘People’s Relaxation Compound' in Martha’s Vinyard.”

Call it crazy, or a shameless slur on accurate weathermen (an oxymoron); whatever you call it, you have been warned.

– Clight


One Response to “Weather Underground”

  1. clightnirish Says:

    I have always been amazed that the weatherman (weatherpeople?) always agree with each other. I put it down to them all using the same government bureau reports and then just competing based on the “snazziness” of their icons. Now I understand the truth!

    I still think there is a market for the weatherman that disagrees with th others: a rebel forecaster. Imagine a split screen, weatherman v weatherman style debate show on The Weather Channel, kind of like “Around the Horn” on ESPN, or most of the drivel on Fox. Just imagine the host throwing out the “so what about Hurricane Neville” question and then Al Roker and Rob Marciano trading blows: “It’s gonna hit Miami Wednesday evening…”, “Wednesday evening? Are you out of your mind, Roker? That thing is gonna take a turn and bash the Carolinas before midday on Tuesday” “The Carolinas? Oh come on, Rob… what are the putting in the coffee over at CNN. The cooler waters would drop Neville to a Tropical Depression at best.” “That’s what the said about Hurricane Mildred in ’54, and how many homes did she destroy on the Outer Banks… huh? huh? Oh yeah… ALL OF THEM?”

    Now that is weather programming that I would watch.


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