Archive for the clight Category

LMAO at LAMO

Posted in clight with tags on 5 December 2014 by clightnirish

LAMOThis advertisement on a sports website caught my eye, and not for the most obvious reason.

Let’s ignore the extremely unfortunate choice of brand name, which is lamo. Is the slur against their own product some kind of ironic hipster self-hate? Do hipsters even wear sheepskin boots? Or, are they implying that their footwear causes an inability to walk?

What caught my eye raises an important question that I’ve wanted to ask Irish for some time:

How does he feel about Australia’s national identity as “the birthplace of sheepskin footwear”?  And, does it bother him that LAMO are headquartered in Southern California, in a seemingly casual snub to a country that worked tirelessly to present the world with this expression of it’s national identity, the nadir of “relaxed comfort”?

It brings to mind some other national identities:

Sweden: Birthplace of frustrating assembly

France: Birthplace of indifference

Scotland: Birthplace of parsimony

Lebanon: Birthplace of the colour purple

North Korea: Birthplace of the greatest golfer in history

China: Birthplace of walls

Now that the epicenter of the sheepskin footwear industry is moving elsewhere, will Australia consider an alternate national identity to support a market they still compete in? Birthplace of the cork hat?

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Weather Underground

Posted in clight, Clights, Camera, Action with tags , , , , , , , , , on 8 September 2010 by clightnirish

What kind of job can you get if you do your work right less than half of the time, your mistakes have a significant impact on people’s lives, and you’re never taken to task for it?  If that’s your bent, here’s a suggestion: Weatherman. True, they like to be called “meteorologists” but that’s like lawyers wanting to be called “attorneys” and reporters “journalists;” it lends a patina of respectability to their sleazy industry.  When was the last time a weatherman predicted a meteor? And how many of them actually study meteors? I bet most have never even been on one! Frauds.

With the West Atlantic hurricane season in full swing, weathermen are wreaking havoc with the usual inaccurate forecasts. You’d think that even if they merely guessed at the weather, the law of averages would see them right 50% of the time. Alas, no; their predictions are correct less than 30% of the time (statistics provided by PFA Research Ltd.)   I wish mere incompetence were to blame. Many people assume this, thanks to the clever smokescreen that presents weathermen as loveable, bumbling idiots, to whom the station gives a job out of charity – like an incontinent great-uncle that everyone tolerates because he’s family.

Unfortunately,  there’s a far more sinister reason. Many have heard of the Weather Underground, a radical communist organization from the 1960s, dedicated to the overthrow of the capitalist system, etc., or as they were otherwise known: “Hippies for Che Guevarra.” Establishment historians assert that the movement disappeared in the early 1970’s.

However, current research points to a disturbingly different version of events. What if they simply went further “underground,” as their name implies? That’s what many have now come to believe: that the “Weather Underground” simply changed their name and became “Weathermen.”  After a series of unexplained disappearances and the quiet resignation of scores of leading weathermen for “personal reasons” in the 1970s, their takeover was complete. Was the disappearance of the traditional weatherman mustache in recent years just a fashion trend, or a secret assault on the freedom of constitutionally-protected facial hair? Circumstantial evidence abounds, but exploring the evolution of their symbolism gives the first concrete proof of this conspiracy.

Consider the Weather Underground’s original logo:

Weather Underground

Sticking it to "The Man" since the 1960s

There are two competing explanations for this symbol: One, that lightning would strike the “Peave and Love” hippies for their failure to overthrow “The Man,” and the second that lightning would strike gay people unless they wore black and red Che Guevarra T-Shirts on specific days (to which gay people, known for their sense of fashion, naturally objected.)

To anyone looking at the symbol now, it’s apparent what this is: the original weather forecast icon.

While we cannot claim to understand the full depth of this diabolical scheme, or all of its current effects, we have managed to decipher pieces of the modern code that they are using:

global warming

Accelerate Global Warming hoax

Death by Air

“Next airstrike at 3PM”, or alternatively, “Who cut the cheese?”

Dancing with the stars

“New battle order to be revealed during next episode of 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

patty hearst roof repair

“Patty Hearst needs her leaky roof fixed - volunteers contact ‘Control’”

R and R at George's

“Summer vacation - lull the oppressors into a false sense of security while enjoying punch and pie at George Soros’ secret ‘People’s Relaxation Compound' in Martha’s Vinyard.”

Call it crazy, or a shameless slur on accurate weathermen (an oxymoron); whatever you call it, you have been warned.

– Clight

Flying High Again

Posted in clight, Clight Paths with tags , , , , , , , on 20 August 2010 by clightnirish

Dear Readers and Comrades-in-Arms;

When the revolution comes, I think I’ve identified which fascists will be first “against the wall”: the TSA.

For  those of you not cursed to travel frequently in the USA at this time,  the TSA are a quasi-governmental paramilitary organization whose mission  is to steal medium-sized cosmetic items, engage in uncomfortable  probing and body cavity searches, take naked pictures of passengers  through an x-ray machine, and generally make air travel as uncomfortable  as possible.

TSA alternate logo

Violating your rights with a smile since 2001!

It’s  easy to see why jobs there are in such high demand, quite apart from  the fact that suckling at the government teat is increasingly popular  these days: Free cosmetics. A female TSA agent will probably never have  to purchase any form of soap or cosmetic for the remainder of their natural  lives. Nor will they ever be deprived of nail files, scissors, tweezers,  etc. That, of course, raises another ugly matter: with the confiscated  resources at their disposal, I expect TSA agents to be the most  well-groomed government employees on Earth. I ask you: When was the last  time you saw a hot chick TSA agent pulling you aside for a pat-down?  Exactly.

By  the way, why can we only have liquid containers that hold 3.4 ounces or  below? You’ll be pleased to know I’ve discovered the answer to that:  TSA agents find it highly inconvenient to take such small items home.  Anything below that limit means they’ll have to scrounge for shampoo more than once per week. It’s inefficient, damn it!

You  will say these are reasonable precautions. After all, I could slap the  flight attendant with my flip-flop, steal beer and escape via the  emergency slide. The horror! Worse still, I might spill hot coffee on  the pilot, thereby convincing him to comply with any command I might  make.  Box cutters – they’re even more dangerous. What if I used them to  OPEN A BOX of – gasp – unauthorized water bottles. Imagine the carnage  that might ensue from such a perilous lack of restrictions!

Once  you evaluate all the restricted items that are part of the TSA’s grand  Security Theater, the scenario they’re trying to guard against is  obvious:

During flight, man stands up and grabs flight attendant, brandishing a pair of blunt tweezers:
“Nobody  move. I am hijacking this aircraft in the name of the Hygiene  Liberation Front! If any of you resist, I shall pluck her remaining  eyebrows out!”

Flight attendant
”  Do what he says people! I can’t afford another trip to the salon! Do  you even realize what an eyebrow transplant COSTS these days?”

Man
“Now,  compliant passengers, observe this pair of scissors.  Unless the pilot  immediately takes this aircraft to the nearest Sephora, I will cut his  hair in the style of Justin Bieber!”

Passenger begins to stand up to confront man
“Not  so fast! Take one more step and I will spray you in the face with this  16 ounce bottle of saline solution, causing mild irritation to your  eyes!”

You  get the picture. Obviously the TSA are right to restrict such dangerous  contraband, after all.  The only thing they don’t potentially defend  against is a chap trying to light his underpants on fire. But I’m sure  they’ll come up with a restriction for that soon. Watch out for this in  your Fall TV programming: “Undies of Terror” A 5-part special  investigation brought to you by CNN. You heard it here first.

Clight

Where will you be? CLIGHTS OUT NIGHT 2010

Posted in clight with tags on 5 August 2010 by clightnirish

August 20 is just 2 weeks away now, so we want to know… How are you spending Clights Out Night 2010?

Irish is hoping to meet Clight right at the original spot where Clight ‘n’ Irish was envisioned – hoping the nostalgic surrounds will bring back the Clightly One’s original inspirations.

But we want to know how YOU will be recognizing this “moment of darkness” to reflect upon the gaping hole in your intellect that is empty in Clight’s absence.

The most creative “observation” of the moment will receive a Clights Out Night merchandise prize.

Cheers,
Irish

Clights Out Night 2010 (UPDATED)

Posted in clight, irish, Uncategorized on 21 July 2010 by clightnirish

Just like your office’s annual “Hawaiian Shirt” day, the day we all hoped would not came around again is back for 2010. Or should I say, “the night”.

By a 75% landslide, you, our loyal readers, decided that it was time to take action and once again announce “Clights Out Night” for another year.

The reason for the silence of my sharp-witted, razor-tongued and eloquently-vocabularied partner in blogdom is known to no-one but his enigmatic self. But we hope that, as in 2009, your Clights Out Night vigils of darkeness will again bring him out of hybernation (or at least save you a few dollars on your electrical bill).

So on Friday August 2oth, at 9pm (in your local time, wherever you are), we ask our readers to turn out all the lights in your home and sit in darkness and ponder the mystery of our missing wordsmith. As someone (should have) said last year, “No Clight Means No Light!”

Again we hope that in whatever corner of the world he is in, Clight will see the light in hundreds – nay, thousands – of homes around him, go out… 99.9% of them purely by coincidence, but how will he know?

We must discourage the practice of throwing light bulbs from windows, that was rumored to have become popularized by this event last year, but in my mind could have been connected to any number of similarly themed events on the same time and date.

As with last year, promotional merchandise – which was a top seller amongst all C’n’I items in 2009 – are now available in the C’n’I shop.

Post a comment below to let us know how and where you will be observing Clights Out Night in 2010.

Let’s hope it has the desired effect!

— Irish

The final post on Clight’n’Irish

Posted in clight, irish with tags , , on 1 April 2010 by clightnirish

We are very sad to write that this will be the final post on Clight’n’Irish.

It has been a blast, but like many well-intentioned muckrakers, we have found ourselves unwittingly on the wrong side of the law.

It seems that the name “Clight” is a breach of a trademark owned by Kraft Foods’ “Crystal Light” brand, sometimes called “C Light” for short.

While we could just change the name of the site to get around this, while looking into this breach, their lawyers cited certain images for which “it is unlikely that the authors have legal copyright ownership of the original works”, and as they then drew all of these breaches to the attention of the WordPress administration, our site license has been revoked.

WordPress were kind enough to let us post this message and leave it active for 7 days to make you aware of the closure. WordPress are good guys, and we understand they are caught between a rock and a hard place.

We may try to start again on a new site, under a different moniker, but frankly this whole incident has been a bit deflating and left us wondering if it’s an omen that it’s time to hang up our metaphorical boots.

Thanks for reading. We hope you had as much fun as we did while it lasted.

— Clight ‘n’ Irish

It’s official: celebrities love Clight’N’Irish

Posted in clight, Clights, Camera, Action, irish with tags , , on 26 February 2010 by clightnirish

Well, at least one does…

If you didn’t grow up on a diet of Australian TV, then you are shit out of luck… you’ll just have to trust us (or check here).

— Irish

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