Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Survival of the Thickest

Posted in Uncategorized on 24 September 2011 by clightnirish

A lot has been noted recently about the world’s burgeoning population: from the pressure it is placing on natural resources to the challenges facing social security given that, well… old folk just don’t die like they used to.

Now there are lots of proposals that might curb population growth by controlling the birth rate, but it occurred to me this week that maybe we’ve been working against nature on ‘the other end’ of the equation.

You see, Mother Nature used to use this neat trick called “survival of the fittest” to weed out the shallower end of the gene pool – but thanks to a litigious society and laws that allow the dumb to sue others for their own stupidity, we’ve started helping the unfit survive.

My ‘aha’ moment was a foil package in my FreshDirect box, which keeps my ice-cream sandwiches from melting while they are delivered.  Printed on the  outside, there’s only one small phrase: “not for microwave use”.  So I have two issues with this:

  1. Who microwaves their ice-cream?
  2. Even if they do for some reason… who DOESN’T know by now that you can’t microwave foil products? It’s just one of those things you should know, like ‘don’t put your hand in the blender’.

But this warning is just a symptom of a bigger disease. On Queens Boulevard in New York – a 12-lane thoroughfare in places, they post signs like

Attention clueless: 12-lanes of traffic might just be dangerous!

the one on the right, saying “a pedestrian died here” so people will cross with care. Now I know that this road has been called the “Boulevard of Death”, but if a person is not smart enough to see the 12 lanes of high speed traffic, and follow the regular pedestrian “don’t walk” lights, then I think they’re probably not contributing a lot to the gene pool – except perhaps a ‘sneaky leak’ when they think no-one is looking.

But by comparison to some product warnings, this road warning seems ostensibly reasonable.  Fark.com made a list of the best, of which I am particularly surprised that we are saving the lives of the idiots who might “hold the wrong end of a chainsaw”.

All I can say is that perhaps it’s time that we recanted a few laws and gave Mother Nature back the power to eliminate the weakest links, to restore balance to the universe – before I have to split my social security pension with someone who only made it to 65 thanks to the warning label that told them not to use their hair dryer while sleeping.

— Irish

America <3s England: TL4E

Posted in Clights, Camera, Action, irish, Seriously Small Stuff, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 1 May 2011 by clightnirish

America, you’re embarrassing yourself.  You kicked England to the curb years ago, remember – all this guffawing and floundering over her for the past month is just making you look like a douche!

In our lives we’ve all known that guy (or girl) that just can’t quite let go of an ex.  You know, they have a massive break-up but then keep crawling back, or start re-singing the praises of someone they were – only months ago – saying was the seed of Satan.  Well, America, for the past month you have sounded just like that weak-willed sap.

Ever since a bunch of Bean-town ‘revolutionaries’ tossed some crates of tea into Boston Harbor in 1773, you made it clear that you were done with England and her selfish attitude.  With all of her unfair ‘taxes without representation’ she was an expensive date, and with her ‘Coercive Acts’ totally cramping your style, that hoity-toity bitch had it coming.

Remember, you were all like, “I’m done with your crap!”, and held a couple of Continental Congresses, and had a war, and she sent in her troops to shut you down, but Paul Revere got on his horse and rode through the night and you prevailed and were so much better off for so long.

But, oh, how things have changed. And not for the better.  If Paul Revere were riding around shouting that the “English are coming” now, I can only imagine him saying it in a campy, excited schoolgirl kind of shriek.  Instead of bearing arms and lighting torches and readying their horses, I can only imagine America blushing and squealing with a hand on each cheek, and going into a tizzy about what to wear.

She tried to get you back in the sixties by sending those mop-haired lads from Liverpool to woo you, and you looked like you would buckle, but you came through it and showed her you didn’t need her by sending some of your posse to the moon.

But as America’s role as a world power has faded of late, and all those other sexy, youthful power countries have started paying less attention, ol’ England rolled out her master move: waiting until you were totally desperate and then showing up wearing the one outfit you could never resist: a Royal Wedding.

And you bought it hook, line & sinker!  You were showing TV specials about William and Kate on every channel possible, going back well into March.  You sent more “correspondents” to let you know every time Kate changed her undies, than you sent to cover the truly world changing events in North Africa and the Middle East. And you oh-so-desperately watched your mail for the invitation to her big party.

I really felt like your floundering hit rock bottom though when NYC taxis started sporting giant Union Jacks with the message “Congratulations William & Catherine”.  At the top of your capitalist strength, you never would have let that advertising space be wasted on such a frivolous and weak display of unrequited love.  China must have sent a hilarious text message to India when he saw this final act of capitulation.  You might as well have hired an Icelandic volcano to write “Take Me Back” in the sky over the whole country.

And even now that it’s the “morning after the night before”, you still seem giddy over the whole shindig.  CNN ran a very long segment just about the hats worn by the wedding guests.

Really dude, it’s like that song by The Streets says: “I know you want to vibe with this girl, but don’t mug yourself”.  I am sure you must have heard the song I’m talking about… it is by an English artist, after all.

— Irish

“Dave Dubbin”: the clight’n’irish lip dub challenge

Posted in Clights, Camera, Action, irish, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 25 September 2010 by clightnirish

Flash mobs are so 2006, Filipino prison dance routines are out of fashion and wedding parties dancing down the aisle were frankly never that cool anyway. Nowadays, they’ve all been shunted by the latest YouTube fad – LipDub videos. NBC’s The Office and Jessica Alba’s “Ibeatyou” crew have even got in on the act.  LipDub is definitely the buzz of the modern Interwebs. (Just type “lip dub” into YouTube if you don’t know what I mean.)

The fact that these videos obviously take a lot of work and deliver nothing more than the possibility of entertaining a few people that are bored enough to be searching YouTube at 3am… makes them exactly the type of pointless endeavour that Clight’n’Irish is all about.

But the musical choices of all the offices, universities and random other groups’ lip dubs out there show a severe lack of musical taste… Panic at the Disco, OutKast, BlackEyedPeas… are all not bad (on the other hand, Hempfield High School: Miley Cyrus? Bad!) but where are the songs that are really made for “lyp-syncing”. Like Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer? Or Huey Lewis & the News, “Hip to Be Square”?

And that’s when it struck me… the one song that would turn Lip Dub from “kitschy Internet fad” into true viral sensation (and not the kind that Paris Hilton is used to).

So I’m setting a C’n’I fan challenge: to assemble an international lip dub of Clight’n’Irish fans syncing to the distinctly Antipodean – and, let’s be honest, ‘MADE for lip syncing’ – tune, “Slice of Heaven” by kiwi legend Dave Dobbyn. You know the one: “baaaa da dum, boo-do baaaa da dum” (Got it yet? ….think Footrot Flats).

Bonus points for any reader who can strike bigger expressions or wear a louder shirt than Dave's original film clip effort.

As best as I can tell from watching a few lip dubs, there’s only a few rules:

  • the camera tracks people walking backwards through various scenes and lip synching a line or two before someone else takes over;
  • it should be one continuous camera take (okay ours is not gonna work that way – there’s the whole global co-ordination problem to work with!);
  • some people are in outfits or doing actions that mimic the lyrics, but other people are just in random and unconnected outfits or situations;
  • some people  have written signs of some lyrics, or the word on a t-shirt etc, rather than actually saying it.

So what we’re looking for is a about 6 to 10 C’n’I readers – from different parts of the world – to record about a 20-30 second segment of the song in your own style, within the lip dub rules above. You can make a whole production of it with your friends, or just be getting your karaoke on on your webcam wherever you normally read C’n’I!

We’re gonna add one extra rule to make this a uniquely Clight’n’Irish lip dub: you need to work in a light bulb and a shamrock (or a leprechaun, or something else uniquely Irish) into the visuals in your segment of the song. Whether it’s the real things, a picture of them, a tattoo of them, people dressed as them… Anyway you can think to include the two!

And for extra credit, we’ll send a C’n’I shirt or hoodie to anyone that manages to get a celebrity (at least an E class celeb!?!) to participate in your segment. The best celebrity wins!

Email us (clightnirish@gmail.com) by October 1 to let us know if you’re in… then I’ll slice (pun fully intended) up the song and allocate everyone a segment so you only have to make a short snippet and it won’t take you too much time. We’ll want video submissions by October 15, so I can edit and launch the video on the site in time for Halloween!

Let’s get Dave Dobbin the lip-dubbin’ respect he so greatly deserves!!

— Irish

Like a Tiger: new Wii game let’s you live Tiger’s past 12 months

Posted in Clights, Camera, Action, irish, Seriously Small Stuff, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on 22 August 2010 by clightnirish

I am no gaming nerd, but when Amazon sent an email today to look out for the upcoming release of EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11, I will admit I got a little excited.

You see, typically the annual re-release of each EA game is barely different to the one before it, although it might update new team logos, player trades, or the new season’s uniforms.  But THIS YEAR’s edition of Tiger Woods promises so much more.

With Woods’s traumatic past 12 months, even non-golfers will enjoy this game – opening up a whole new target audience for EA, a wise business move.

The new features include:

  • “Tiger on the Prowl” – a “first-person rooter” (sorry to the non-Antipodeans who won’t get that) that is loosely based on the early-90s-PC series, “Leisure Suit Larry”.  After dressing your Tiger avatar in your choice of “after hours” Nike apparel  -choose from “Pimped Out”, “Lots of Leather” or the very brazen “Tiger Skin” (naked apart from a swoosh-emblazoned man-thong) – you can cruise the Country Club between rounds, looking to, ahhh… get in a few extra holes (if you know what I mean*).

Finally an EA game where you really do want to "get in the game".

  • There’s also some fun for those of you that like a good driving game: plug your Wii controller  into your Mario Kart steering wheel and race against time – and your 7-iron-wielding-soon-to-be-ex-wife – as you try to successfully reverse your Buick out of the garage and drive down the street without running off the road or sustaining any damage from a flying Titleist. It’s much harder than it seems, with even Tiger himself unable to make it off his own block at first attempt. Plug in a second controller and your lady-friend can even do the club-flinging (just make sure she fastens the wrist strap!)
  • And finally, for those that like the “puzzle game” genre, there is the “Press Challenge” feature, which, in the style of Taboo, requires you to answer a series of thinly-veiled questions about your romance troubles and focus on only talking about your round of golf today, without saying potentially double-entendre words and phrases, like “play a round”, “couldn’t find the hole today”, “I hit a good strong wood on 14”, or any use of the word “swinging”.

And if you just love golf, you will love the new features during game play, like the scantily-clad models trying to distract you behind each putt, the “flashback” mode, which will momentarily flash up a shot of your fire-eyed bride wielding a flaming club just as you try to execute a bunker shot, and the clever commentary that manages to relate every mishit back to your no-good filandering ways.

All in all… 5 stars, EA.

— Irish

(* And you do!)

Clights Out Night: early reports

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 20 August 2010 by clightnirish

While it may be daylight hours still in Europe and the Americas, the first countries beyond the date line have already began celebrating – or is that commiserating – Clights Out Night in record numbers. 

Clights home fans in New Zealand took the theme of “darkness” in his honour to a whole new level, with early reports suggesting many people had begun wearing shirts, hats and scarves denominating themselves as “All Blacks” – which we understand is a new cult dedicated to maintaining the darkness until He brings us back his Clight.  Some are even said to have gotten “All Blacks” tattoos – the ultimate homage. 

 

Across the ditch, Australians are marking the occasion with an almost “total continent blackout”, as seen in this satellite image of Australia taken at the precise moment of Clights Out Night on the eastern coast.  As you can see, a massive proportion of the country is bathed in darkness, with only a smattering of lights in the heavily populated coastal areas remaining on (presumably to ensure public and road safety etc). But there you have it Clight, almost a whole country “unlit” to wish you back into the writing fray. 

As the day progresses, we hope to bring you more images and videos of C.O.N.2010. And we hope you will send us yours to post… clightnirish@gmail.com. But most of all we hope that this out-pouring (or let’s say “out-trickling” for now) of emotion will once again see us “enClightened”. 

Thanks for the support.  

— Irish

Are we getting funnier… or not?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 11 August 2010 by clightnirish

It struck me when I read today the comment by “Yankee” on our A-Rod story, that some people really don’t get satire or sarcasm anymore. “Yankee” was probably born in the satire-drought of the 90s – so is it really his fault?

Upon reflection, it really does seem that as a whole we are changing what we find funny as the years go by.

But was there a funny peak? Let me pose some examples, starting in the 7os:

  • the 70s gave us Monty Python & the Holy Grail, Blazing Saddles, Animal House, the original cast of Saturday Night Live, Johnny Carson took the Tonight Show to Burbank at its peak, and Bill Cosby gave kids Fat Albert to laugh at;
  • the 80s ramped it up a notch, and hit a peak with comedy classics like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Beverly Hills Cop, The Naked Gun, Airplane! (or Flying High! if you are in Australia), Police Academy (we’ll ignore all the sequels), Caddyshack, National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Princess Bride, Fast Forward, A Bit of Fry & Laurie, Spinal Tap, The Young Ones, The Goodies, The Cosby Show, The original “12th Man” parodies…. I could go on forever about the 80s – it definitely seemed to be the peak for me.

Even by authoritative standards though, comedy creativity could be said to have waned in the 90s… listology’s funniest movies of the 90s includes some greats like Toy Story, Clerks (Kevin Smith saved the decade), Office Space, The Big Lebowski, Being John Malkovich but the list is not nearly as endless, and – if you exclude Seinfeld – TV started to struggle (okay, so “Friends” was popular, but it was no “Cosby Show”).

The 2000s started pumping out movie remakes to and sequels and threequels and prequels by the dozen, and cinema-going became even more hit and miss. If it wasn’t for ex-SNL stars and movies like Anchorman, Talladega Nights, Austin Powers, Happy Gilmore and just to save the decade in the last few months, The Hangover, cinema could have been in a real funny-drought.  Conan O’Brien was cut donw by NBC for actually being funny and the big TV standout was the success of The Office – on both sides of the ditch – and a return to 80s-inspired comedies like Kath & Kim. But hang on, there was also the emergence of 30Rock, the rise of South Park (not to mention the Team America film).  On the flipside, the 2000s brought us “Wipeout”. Oh but hang on, there was also Napoleon Dynamite.

So now I am not so sure… are we actually getting funnier again? Was the 90s just a blip in the radar? Or was I just moody that decade and missed something?

What do you think… which decade was the “peak” of funniness for you? And who made it funny for you?

— Irish

A-Robbed!: fans revolt against greedy Rodriguez’s 600

Posted in irish, Seriously Small Stuff, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 8 August 2010 by clightnirish

On Wednesday, it finally came, and even Perez Hilton was (incorrectly!) covering it.  By Thursday, The Bleacher Report was asking if anyone really cares. And now, only 4 days later, Alex Rodriguez’s 600th career home run has become a black mark on his career.

Amid question marks over Alex sitting out Saturday’s game against the Redsox with an “injury sustained during batting practice”, we have inside gossip that the only thing injured is A-Rod’s ego. Apparently the multi-millionaire superstar is upset at fans that have been booing him since the home run, apparently for depositing the ball into the netting over Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park, where no fan could get a hold of the milestone rock.

“It just shows how much of a douche they guy is,” noted Larry Palmeto, a long-time Yankees fan from Westchester. “We paid a ridiculous price for bleacher seats today and my son spent 2 hours making this cardboard sign with holes in the zeros of “600”, yet Mister Self-Absorbed chooses to hit it where no fan can get it. I mean, we all know he could see the sign – the letters are in red for cryin’ out loud.”

Ricky McNichey of Teterboro, NJ, is even more irate than Palmeto: “After the Kansas City series here, I took a bus to Cleveland and then flew to damned Tampa to see this shot, and I got nada. And now first game back at the Stadium he pulls it out in his first at bat and neatly tucks the ball into the Park so he gets it back?  If he knew he was gonna do that, he could have been straight up about.  And, hey, it’s not about the money I wasted — but I had to spend 4 nights in Cleveland, damn it. Cleveland!!”

Word on the street is that even the big leagues are annoyed with A-Rod’s selfish display. For 13 Games the MLB was pausing the game to dish out specially sequentially-numbered, hologrammed baseballs to ensure that the right ball could be authenticated when number 600 was deposited into the hands of a lucky fan.

“And all that for nothing – Bud is pissed!” noted an MLB corporate insider, speaking about the mood of the MLB Commissioner Bud Selig under promise of anonymity. “All that hoop-la, and there was no need. Alex could have just told us how he was going to do it and we could have saved all that rigmarole. Bud thinks Alex just strung it out for the attention. Do you know how much it costs to put a hologram on a baseball? Well, it’s not free – and we wasted a bunch of them on that bloody prima donna!”

Still, A-Rod’s dinger didn’t disappoint on all levels, with Toronto fan Casey French admiring the hitter’s control. “If that was his plan, then you have to admire his pitch selection, and perfect execution,” she told us. “But he is still a giant ass.”

— Irish

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